Insecurity

I've been desperately seeking something new to write about. As much as I could write on Ashlyn all day and the cute things that she does, I've been wanting to find something else. Besides Exmi and Margot do such better jobs at the parenting blogs!

So, after two weeks of throwing a massive pity party for myself, I realised that I could invite almost all of the female population to it. Damn insecurity!!!

I've been delving into the last decade of my life, heaving out the old memories and digging up the things people have said to me and done to me that I thought I'd dealt with but in fact had stored in a special little corner of my mind. You know, the things people have said and done that you use as back-up for the faults in your own life. "I behave in such a way because "so-and-so" called me this back in 19-footsack". I have so many of those that I've used on relationships that I can't believe I'm still allowed out in sunlight. I'm surprised that I'm not a complete basket-case...well, maybe I am in some ways. I decided that it would be out with the old and in with the new and so I began to deal with these issues in my life...that just opened up a huge can of crazy.

I think we think we're alone in our insecurities and that no one could possibly understand but, especially women, we share more of them than we realise. We base our self-worth on how our husbands treat us, our jobs, our children's behaviour and how much affection we get from them, which friends call us and how often and whether we're wearing clothes that are smaller than a size 14. But something I've become so aware of this week is that as women, we set our standards of ourselves so low. Our security stems from our identity which results in our purpose and if we feel our purpose in life isn't an important one then voila! Insecurity!

I've wondered though what we possibly gain from filling ourselves up with these insecurities. They don't make us feel better about ourselves, they don't serve a positive purpose...they do us no good!

So, as women, I think we need to realise that we are worth so much more than the world actually gives us credit for. We have a higher purpose to fulfill, one that no man could do (thus making us the perfect companion for men). We are unique, special and our emotions should be a tool that use to help others instead of a weapon that we often use on ourselves.

I'm not one for mantras but of late I keep reminding myself that:

I am important

I'm here for a reason

I'm unique and I can't expect everyone to like me

Psalm 139: 17 - 18

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake in the morning, you are still with me!"

5 and a half months...

...is not how old Ashlyn is but how long we've been doing the immigration thing.

For 5 and a half months we've:
Lived out of suitcases
Slept in someone else's bed
Shared a room with Ashlyn
Ate someone else's cooking
Lived in someone else's home
Fought wildly due to the frustration and stress of all the moving
Learnt to accept so much more about each other than ever before
Seen our relationships with others go through tough times but in the end grow stronger

As of tomorrow, we will...
Have our clothes in a cupboard
Sleep in our own bed
Have Ashlyn in her own room
Do my own cooking
Go grocery shopping
Fight and not worry about who can hear us
Spend time mending the damage to our relationship from all the stress

It's been a long 5 and a half months but we've grown, matured, compromised, sacrificed and learnt to really and truly love each other no matter what has happened. We're exhausted from this year. It's been really tough and there have been times when we've both wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there for a while. But....so starts the new leg of this adventure. Doing things completely on our own again. We're more petrified than ever before. Leaving SA was the easy part, we just had to get on a plane, now we're stepping out of the comfort of a "nest" and trying out our wings again.

Wish us luck!

The neglected blog

Life is just crazy at the moment. The Germany fiasco (trying to organise visas and tickets in enough time) seemed to drag on for weeks but with it behind me now I can focus on finding Ryan and I (and Ashlyn of course) a home. I can't explain how excited I am about having my own kitchen again, my own home to clean and my own groceries to buy (just so you don't think we're shockers, we give my folks rent each month to cover our living expenses). I spend my free time dreaming up decor ideas and colour schemes and how I'll spend my days with Ashlyn. I'm just short of dressing like Martha Stewart.

Ashlyn's personality is coming through more each day. I'm starting to be a little frightened at the genes that are apparent in her, particularly from my side of the family. She is a drama-queen deluxe who laps up the attention of anyone. Her particular favourite of late is to tilt her head sideways, in a flirtatious way, and smile. This gets attention from even the most child-avoiding types. At the wedding, there was one particular person who wasn't too interested in Ashlyn. She chose him as her mission for the evening. Eventually, I told him that if he just smiled at her once, she'd leave him alone. And true to my word, he gave Ashlyn a smile and she ignored him for the rest of the evening. Ashlyn has also discovered, to her sheer delight, that she can clap her hands and so whenever she does something that she thinks is quite smart, with her toys, she looks to see who is watching her and then claps. And then there is the wave hello or good-bye. It's more of an arm-stretch with all her fingers spread widely but it has a way of pulling on anyone's heart strings. When saying our farewells to Ryan's family at the airport, in Germany on Sunday, Ryan's mom, obviously struggling with saying good-bye again to her first grandchild, gave Ashlyn a kiss and a cuddle and was feeling semi-composed at saying goodbye until I told Ashlyn "say bye-bye to nanna!" well, little Ashlyn stretched out her arm, waved her hand and smiled through her dummy. Even I couldn't hold back the tears!

But, there is another side to this beautiful child and her dramatic, attention seeking ways that not everyone sees. The side that has started to push my hands away from her in the bath when I tell her for the umpteenth time that she needs to sit so I can wash her or she'll fall. The side that throws things when I tell her she can't chew on them or suck them (namely remotes, cell phones and books) and that smacks the ground when I put her down to play because she'd rather be carried all day like royalty. But the personal favourite that all of those close to her enjoy is her "I'm going to cry RIGHT NOW" face. Teaching the word no to her has been horrific. The face gets pulled, with a bit of a whinge and she opens her eyes to see what response it's getting. I am now cold to it but it still gets Ryan and other family members. I feel this face needs to be shown to the world so they can be aware that little Ashlyn's heart hasn't been shattered when something is taken away from her or when she is told no but rather it is the beginning of the art of manipulation. If I wasn't so appauled at her doing it so early in life, I might actually be proud of her (jokes!)